after Angels in America by Tony Kushner

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I respected the delicate ecology of my delusions;
I mistook it for Rapture. If God abandoned us,
I abandoned Him first. Ha! Book of Revelatio–
‍I skimmed it. Got bored of biblical. And did
I hallucinate the angel’s billion-eyed airstrike?
I acid-tripped into Aleph: a firebomb squad
I called anything but death. Glittering death.
I doomscroll: baby-amputees, carbon-sinks.
I stop & I shouldn’t. Took sixty-seven shots;
I chugged gasoline & transformed into AK-47.
I woke from that stress-dream into another.
I prayed. God served moldy loaves. Rank fish.
I gobbled it up, pretended to puke. At age 10,
I hyperfixated on the apocalypse. Seriously,
I imagined myself as Katniss Everdeen. Ha!
I wanted the world to end without an ending. 
I progressed like a tumor. Terminal, crazy &
I mean, I was too young to believe in sickness.
I refused to drown in the poisoned ocean. But
I fished in it. Caught botulism from bad beef.
I deregulated. Free market and I’m worthless.
I star-spangled my coffin then refused to die in it.
I lost my voice to the rocket’s red glare. Damn!
I forgot imagination can’t create anything new.
I took my time. I took dollar-store painkillers &
I woke up groggier, less capable. Less possible.
I tough-loved the world until it loved me back.
I paid my taxes. I believed in it: our goodness. 
I do. I still do. I can’t tell if that’s a lie. Perhaps
I could call myself oracle. Oh, what a shitshow!
I wound up as oracle? World’s shittiest prophet?
I refuse Rapture and Heaven. Enter Angel: Hark!
I Arrived! Great Work Begins! Anti-apocalypse,
I believe in you. So forgive me! But you can’t! 
I witnessed the flies rotting in the corpses, then
I heard grown men laugh at the sight of it. Ha!
I will do the great work! God willing, I will try!
I felt God spit in my face & I kissed his cheek.

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                                                                                I’m not brave.